gnasher | 1495 inbox ✘ hollyheights [ CLOSED ]

So knock it off already. Since I have your blessing, I'm gonna go for a run.

Knock it off already about working out, you're just trying to get the last word!

[trust Sousuke to come to the quick of things; the upper hand Rin had been clutching tightly onto immediately feels out of his grasp. it's true, no one knows him better than Sousuke Yamazaki, maybe not even Makoto, but -- ]

-- We've never talked about other relationships.

[a defensive response, but also true; he and Sousuke weren't those kinds of boys when they were kids, most interested in fighting and competing amongst themselves than talking about girls (and it turns out girls wasn't something Rin actually wanted to talk about, either, so there was that, too). it wasn't a topic that Rin didn't deflect or ignore at Samezuka, either, because -- there was so much going on, and he didn't want to pursue feelings like that, just yet. he hadn't been ready to, or ready to even talk about having them]

Edited 2015-09-19 16:07 (UTC)

[He sure is trying, anyway, but it's not working and he can't hang up on Rin, especially not when Rin's right like that.

Sousuke's quiet for a long moment when Rin says they never talked about other relationships. Is that really... did he really have so little self awareness? Then again, they'd only been kids, but Sousuke's never forgotten.]

You left Sano for Iwatobi. For Nanase. You came back from Australia, went to Samezuka but still swam for Nanase's school. You spent your nights helping the new guy from Nanase's school. Your ultimate team was based on what happened with Nanase.

You think I was kidding when I said I get it? That you're taken with him? I was trying to start a conversation but I figure we didn't need to talk about it.

[They're hardly Nanase and Makoto but he and Rin don't always need to talk about things either. It's one of the things that he's appreciated about Rin. Sousuke can use less words and normally, Rin will understand. He's going to try one more time before just biting the bullet and spelling it out. He didn't need some random stranger on a network to tell him something he already knew but he'll be damned if, now that it's happened, he's going to let Rin think he doesn't know.]

I got it. I get it. I still get it.

[You won't deny it to someone on the network, then confirm or deny it to him, Rin.]

That was about swimming! That was --

[but Sousuke has more proof than anyone, even Makoto maybe, of Rin's endless fascination with Haru. it's not fair, that Sousuke sees through him so easily, especially with so much proof on his hands. Rin can't lie to his best friend; he's never been good at lying at all]

[he concedes, in a much quieter tone than before, clearly cowed by Sousuke's calling out]

...That was, mostly about swimming. I didn't, know...

[he trails off, uncertain, because he and Sousuke don't usually need to be so explicit with one another. it's foreign and unfamiliar, but Sousuke's thoughts are correct; Rin hasn't had so much self-awareness, about this stuff, constantly assuming the worst of himself and others instead]

I didn't know what to do then. I didn't think you'd get it. -- Or Haru would.

[it's not a denial, certainly, and maybe more than he's ever admitted to anyone, as far as Haru goes (apart from the guy himself, but far too late in the game)]

Rin. Not even swimming is just about swimming to you.

[It's a relief to hear that Rin does at least realize that much about himself. If swimming was just about swimming, it would've been easier for Sousuke to get back into Rin's life, but swimming is everything. It's how he makes friends and remembers his father and apparently, how he falls in love.

Sousuke sighs and, against all probability, he smiles, even if Rin can't see it. Honesty. It makes things a lot easier. Especially if Rin's being honest with himself now as well as Sousuke, though it seems like he's been being honest with himself for a while now.]

I wasn't sure till the end. Till you took him back to Australia with you. Even then, it wasn't gonna be real till you let it be.

[Because if Rin stayed in denial forever, then it didn't matter how obvious it was to Sousuke. No matter how much it hurt when Rin and Nanase left and came back. Sousuke's pain wasn't enough to make it real. Rin was the only one who could do that.

None of that's in Sousuke's voice now, though. He came to terms with that--with Nanase's place in Rin's life--long before getting here. One honest admission deserves another.]

I'm glad you two are getting it figured out here.

[it's true; for Rin, everything begins and ends with swimming to such an extent that it'd made Sousuke question his place in Rin's life without it. it's the kind of single-minded focus that makes his dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer possible, but it tends to complicate his personal life into a tangled mess of swimming and everything else. friends, family, love, the future, his career, his image of himself, his goals and hobbies -- everything comes back to the water. it's something he and Sousuke had in common, once, but things have shifted. they've had to grow feet to walk on land, and some stumbling is bound to happen]

[however, what Sousuke's just stumbled onto is a more sensitive issue than he realises; it's therefore a kind of uneasy blurt that bursts from Rin]

We didn't. Figure it out, I mean. Well, I did years ago, but he --

[messy, messy; Rin takes an audible breath, trying to straight out the words in his mind. the feelings he has for Haru, both dormant and remaining, are hard to admit. he's kept it from even Makoto, that his feelings for Haru had once been so overwhelming as to break and make his heart]

With everything happening, and how I'd just gotten, everything back... [the painful image of Rin failing to raise himself from the pool seems to loom; he was too raw, after that relay, to want to put anything to chance] I didn't want to mess anything up. And then two years ago [it's only this year, for Sousuke] he wasn't -- after the trip to Australia, I thought, maybe, but I was going away, and I still wasn't sure if he felt...

[disjointed as it is, this is more confession than he's given anyone, and he suddenly wishes he were face to face with Sousuke, but it's too late now]

And then suddenly we were here, and he kept coming and going and not remembering anything we did, and then finally when he stuck around for a while he didn't say anything until after I was -- already dating someone. [a pause, because it's more than that] Someone I really fell for.

[an exhale, Rin clearly awkward and nervous about sharing all this stuff he's kept to himself for months -- maybe years. the story seems to parallel a common theme, between Rin and Haru; bad timing, high emotion, and misunderstanding]

Edited 2015-09-20 01:05 (UTC)

[On the land and in the water, Sousuke's always seen himself as an entity apart, something self-contained and seamless, powered by him and him alone. So becoming part of Rin's tangled mess, and then suddenly finding the ties that had him tangled seeming to be cut when he quit swimming... it's been hard, reorienting himself at this new distance in Rin's life. It doesn't mean he knows Rin any less well, but maybe it's the new refraction, seeing his friend through the water instead of in it with him, that keeps him from seeing where this is going to go.

The fact that this has all happened in some other universe seems trivial. There's no reason this isn't a conversation they would have eventually had at home, too.

He wishes they were face to face too, but he does the same on the phone as he would in person and just lets Rin talk this out. He's not yelling anymore, there's no reason to try to break his momentum.]

So it's not Nanase?

[It's not that none of the rest of it matters. It matters as much as Rin wants it to matter, to Sousuke's mind. He's known for a long time that what Rin feels for Haru is registers beyond what he feels for anyone else, though, and any conclusions that led him to are so long-standing that having them confirmed is a non-issue. The only thing that's a surprise here is that it's not Nanase but someone else here.

Someone else he's going to have to share Rin with. Eventually, that sensation will get easier, he knows, but for now it still smarts. Everything he did, he did to stand beside Rin, and every time he turns around the distance is getting wider instead.]

It's not Haru.

[there's a part of Rin that will always -- be a little shocked, in that his first crush never got to bloom into his first love, not properly, but rather withered on the vine for the lonely years in Australia, and then suffered replanting after replanting. it's not romantic or poetic, how it's all turned out, but it's real. honestly, nothing's ever been realer than what he's got with Makoto, now; the kind of aching, wonderful, scary real of working for something and achieving it, instead of the sharp sting of immature longing and constant misunderstanding. he's built something with Makoto, and he wants to protect it with everything he has]

I didn't mean for it to happen here, either, because I thought it would -- still mess everything up, or whatever, but then it did happen, and it was really good. Really, good.

[there's an edge of insistence in his voice, like he needs Sousuke to understand the road he's traveled to get so far from where he was two years ago (tangling up Sousuke in his lines, as he doesn't quite realise he does -- but then Matsuokas were always fishermen)]

We had our first anniversary this summer. We're talking about -- moving in, together, next month.

[and suddenly realising he's been avoiding the name out of something like fear (of Sousuke's reaction) or guilt (of Haru's involvement and noninvolvement), he adds]

-- Me and Makoto. From, Iwatobi.

[(maybe this kind of distance is too much too soon for Sousuke, having not been here to see the growth and development of a slow, rather caring relationship, but it's all or nothing with Rin, as usual)]

[Rin wants to say something like I should've told you, or I'm sorry I kept it a secret, but it doesn't quite make it past sharp teeth, clenched in anxiety]

Edited 2015-09-20 03:16 (UTC)

You worry too much.

[It's murmured in a quiet moment because Rin is all about stream of consciousness and once he starts talking it's easier to just let him get it out. Sousuke still wishes they could be doing this in person but in a way he's glad he can hide behind the phone. Rin can't see his surprise at the announcement of an anniversary, of moving in together.

Of plans that aren't swimming. Sure, there doesn't seem to be a world stage here, but this is still a deviation from everything he would have expected Rin to want for himself. Nanase would've been a partner to climb with Rin. Who else could he have found here to keep up with him?

And then the name drops.]

Tachibana?

[The incremental lowering of walls and permitting of casual names that happened feels like far too much closeness, suddenly. Sousuke needs more space to process this, especially from Tachibana. He's a good swimmer, he's got potential (more, Sousuke reminds himself, than he does), but does he have what it takes to support Rin? To push him when he can't push himself and to not get in his way when he's all momentum?

Rin certainly must think so and Sousuke doesn't want to question his judgement but he doesn't know Tachibana. Here, maybe, there's nothing but time, but for right now it's just a lot. The hardest part is hearing in Rin's voice how clearly happy he is. Yeah, there's fear, anxiety, but also something so much warmer.

He rests one elbow on his knee, rests his chin on his hand, sighs into the phone.]

But you're happy?

Yeah.

[there's not a moment's pause, because he doesn't need to worry or think about that, not anymore; Sousuke's missed that part, where Rin's nerves were shot to hell all the time and he couldn't think whenever Makoto looked at him. he's missed the part where Rin stopped and started like a broken car, too unsure of himself to rush headlong into anything that might disrupt the delicate ecosystem of he and Iwatobi. he's missed out, on the growing pains of this relationship, and come in only once it's found its sureness. it must be jarring, for someone unsure of so many things, at the moment]

[Rin isn't aware of his effect on Sousuke in this respect, or maybe he's just giving him what he asked for; truth, in the broadest stroke, in the finest detail, all at once]

He -- it's -- yeah.

[well, maybe not everything. it still feels awkward, especially when he can't see Sousuke's face. he doesn't sound disapproving or disgusted or any of the things Rin might have feared, but he doesn't betray much. it's hard for Rin to read his best friend's feelings, apart from surprise that It's Not Nanase (a surprise Rin understands all too well)]

I don't know if I could've hacked it, being stuck so long in this place, without him.

[he's been a steady and warm constant, in a way Sousuke or Haru or anyone else hasn't been, here. Rin is tidal, movement, change; it's nice to have a shore to wash up on, and a future to look forward to. without Makoto, he'd have little to plan for, build towards, without the promise of an international life and the rigour of competition. Makoto's helped him grow in ways maybe swimming couldn't have (even if everything is always about swimming). they've helped eachother grow, fell together in a natural way even redgreen Rin couldn't stop]

Edited 2015-09-21 06:23 (UTC)

[The instinctive way Rin responds gives Sousuke a lot to think about. Mostly, though, he's caught in the way this all feels familiar. Once again, he's missed everything, only coming in to see the credits roll, to see the other people responsible for getting Rin to where he is and realizing helplessly that his name's not going to scroll by. It happened with Australia, it happened again when Rin came home, and now here... Rin's had so many lives and whether it's because Rin's keeping him out or because they're different cities, different countries, or literally in different universes, Sousuke just keeps missing his chance to be a part of them.

Maybe Tachibana's the last leg of Rin's relay. Sousuke might've been the first but you can't swim that lap again.]

That's good.

[He knows what he's supposed to do right now. Dig deep, find the gratitude Tachibana deserves for keeping his best friend going when Sousuke couldn't, say thank you over dinner later, move on like this isn't as big a deal as it is. But if there's one thing Sousuke's come to accept about himself in the last year, it's that he's just not as strong or as good a person as he ought to be. If he was, so many things would be different, but he isn't and they're not and this is just another one of those.

There isn't going to be any dinner out tonight.

He doesn't want anything to do with Tachibana but he can't withdraw completely because that'd mean pulling away from Rin and Rin's ascending fast enough on his own. If Sousuke starts pulling away, it'll give him a reason to turn around and he promised himself he'd never be the one to do that.]

You should give yourself more credit.

[and that's something dependable in Sousuke that Rin cherishes; how he always, always, believes the best in Rin. Rin reciprocates that feeling, fiercely, and it's half the reason they fight so much -- like family members thinking they know best for one another, with their intentions all in the right place (though execution sometimes sloppy). Rin cares deeply for Sousuke, and its in moments like this one that he knows Sousuke cares just as deeply back. even when Rin doesn't believe he's strong, Sousuke does]

[annoyingly, he feels kind of overwhelmed; it's such a relief to get everything out in the open, like shrugging off a weight he didn't know he'd been carrying (for much longer than Sousuke's most recent stay in Holly Heights)]

Ch, try saying that a few months from now. Without the people you care about here, it's just a dead end with nice hedges.

[which brings him to his next instinctual response]

I'm -- glad you're here now. Shut up, alright? It's fine to lean on me, about being here, too. ...Just 'cuz you could do something on your own doesn't mean you have to.

[a lesson hard in learning for Rin, and Sousuke (because everything, everything, everything, comes back to swimming, and the stupid crap -- and less stupid crap -- they thought as kids)]

Edited 2015-09-24 05:05 (UTC)

[If he knew it was weighing on Rin, Sousuke would've been that much more willing to take it on, even if it did mean this sudden tempest of conflicting emotions inside himself. Resentment, frustration, with a deep undercurrent of relief. Rin's happy. Rin's happy. Rin's happy and different and Sousuke didn't get to see how any of that happened, but Rin's happy.

Hearing him said that he's happy, too, that Sousuke's here... that helps calm things a little. Rin's glad he's here, he didn't forget about him in his absence. Sousuke closes his eyes and smiles at the phone. It's a silly thing to do, the kind of sentimental nonsense Rin thrives on, but it's still good to hear. It feels good to have Rin's sentimental nonsense aimed at him.]

Don't tell me to shut up, I didn't even say anything. [There's no heat behind it, though; if they were in person, he'd be taking Rin at his word, dropping an arm on one of Rin's shoulders and literally letting him take his weight till Rin shoved him off. It's familiar, warm.] I want to figure out as much as I can but if I can't, I'll ask. It's not that different from home so far, really. Except that somebody called me Dad.

[Sousuke's hardly left his days of stubborn individuality behind--his reaction to the news about Makoto is proof of that--but he's willing to relax that somewhat for finding his feet here. He let Rin help him adjust to Samezuka and that was on the same planet. There's no harm to his pride or sense of self accepting that same kind of help here.]

Edited 2015-09-26 00:17 (UTC)

[bright and clear comes Rin's laugh, light over water, or some similar poetic bullshit; it's probably accurate that nobody makes him laugh as much as Sousuke. Makishima certainly cracks him up in the same ribbing, rough kind of way, but Sousuke's always going to be the one who can make him lose whatever cool he tries to pretend to have. parallel swimming career or not, Sousuke's on the same wave beside him, right down to what tickles his funnybone]

It's really weird when people take the housing assignments so seriously, right?

[a scoffing kind of huff, something like relief as usual making Rin -- too honest]

It's kind of missing the point, too, I think. Your friends are your family, here.

[ah]

[and he seems to realise he's said something embarrassing by the abrupt snap of somewhat-shocked silence]

...O-or, you know. Something cheesy like that.

[as if his heart is not made of a fine gouda]

Edited 2015-10-02 04:52 (UTC)

[If only Rin's wave would slow down, even for a little while, but of course Sousuke can't ask that of him or of the universe so he just absorbs that laugh, warm and bright, and takes comfort in knowing he's the one who knows Rin well enough to make him laugh ten minutes after making him yell. (Can Tachibana do that? Does he want to know the answer to that question?)

Sousuke takes the embarrassing sentiment in stride, too. That's just being friends with Rin Matsuoka. If you can't endure a pretty considerable dose of second hand embarrassment, you're not going to make it.]

Something like that. That mean I can crash at your place and your kids or roommates or whatever won't mind?

[Because the last he knew he was dorming with Rin and while his housemates here are fine and everything, he misses living with his best friend. Staying over once in a while won't fix that but it's the best approximation he's going to get right now.]

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