gnasher | 1495 inbox ✘ hollyheights [ CLOSED ]

I'm sorry.

Can I make it better?

Forget it, I said! I don't need your pity!

[you're always like this...]

I'm not going to pity you... [makoto holds back a sigh because that would only make things worse.] I just want you to tell me that I messed up, and that you're angry, and to tell me how not to--fuck up, next time. You always want me to be honest with you about my feelings, and you get angry or impatient when I'm not, so, it's... both ways, right?

Not that you always get angry or impatient. You're very patient! I can be, too, so, uhm...

[fumbling]

I don't think you're overreacting. I know I reacted pretty bad, and I don't want to give out any excuses, so...

[deep breath]

Okay, this is how I feel. [a rehearsed cough]

You've been working really hard on this sports centre activity, and I'm glad you've finally settled for a mud run. I know you've been going around different ideas, like the auction, but this definitely sounds something a whole lot more like you. I mean, a race, it has Rin Matsuoka written all over it.

It's also something you've been trying to get sorted out with Makishima-kun. I want to offer to help, but--it's you guys' project. You always let me do mine on my own unless I ask for help, and that's something I appreciate and want to reciprocate.

...perhaps I could have reacted much better than what I did, but I'm honestly excited about it. I want to participate with all my friends, and I want to try and beat you? Though I think Sousuke's going to get me beat in less than a minute into the run...

But, most importantly, I want to see you happy about it. I know you like it when everyone else is having fun and enjoying something you worked really hard on. I want that.

[...]

...still, if you think it's better I don't participate because you think I'm being forced to, I won't. I'll cheer for you though. I can still do that, right?

[there's a tenuous couple moments of silence, before a telling sniff. the waterworks are kept to that short, sharp sound, though, Rin finally responding (a little thickly; it's always a little unfair feeling, that Makoto's so capable of quelling his insecurities when he actually sets his mind to it)]

Stupid, of course you can participate. [...] You're the person that -- I want you to be the one who's the most impressed. That's, that's why it hurts the most, when it seems like you aren't.

[it used to be just Haru, that Rin had his eyes on, gauging his every action and reaction. Haru's reactions are still of a high importance to him, and so are Sousuke's, but Makoto's -- pulled strangely ahead, and by no skill of his own. Makoto cares only somewhat about competition, the emphasis was always on doing something together with his friends. he's never been able to show Rin up in the water, or even most athletic endeavors. Rin wants to impress Makoto for reasons completely outside of himself and his own ambitions; he wants to impress Makoto because he loves him, and his opinion is therefore the most important one, plain and simple]

Sorry. -- I should have asked for your help, if I wanted it, instead of just waiting for you to offer. It was stupid of me not to. I just -- thought you didn't care, or something.

[there's isn't a relationship based on "mind reading," or anything so ambiguous and fallible; it's based on communication, reciprocation]

Edited 2015-11-09 00:16 (UTC)

Rin's, there is no way I wouldn't care about something you've been working so hard on. Or even if it were the silliest thing you could possibly be doing, I would still care.

[it's the truth. and perhaps while rin worries about overspilling with emotions and thoughts, makoto doesn't overflow as much. it can cause strain between them, of course, but makoto is willing to be more, for rin's sake.]

[ah, even if it's a bit embarrassing.]

Don't cry, I'll feel really bad... More than what I do right now. Do you want me to help out? I can make the time, like I said!

I'm not crying!

[a huff, and a suspicious shuffling (rubbing an arm across his eyes, his nose, and generally making a mess, likely). Rin's touched, by Makoto's devotion, as he always is -- it's yet to happen that their fights end in anything but relief on both sides. Rin starves for an overspill of love, and Makoto's always got plenty of it to share, when prompted]

...I don't, really need your help. I just, liked the thought of spending time with you, on my stuff, too.

[Rin's always helping Makoto out, whether it's his classes or his teaching or his teammates or the flower shop or anything else -- and he likes the feeling of helping Makoto forward. Makoto's clandestine operations at the centre aren't known to him; he can't appreciate what he hasn't been made aware of. Makoto speaks a language too subtle, more suited to Haru, sometimes, when what Rin needs is honest and loud]

And maybe preparing for the race together.

Edited 2015-11-09 02:02 (UTC)

I'll run to the library and make flyers to hand out, for the mud run. Perhaps get more people to sign up who haven't bothered to see your network post about it? There's always a few stragglers.

Oh, and if new people come in by the beginning of the month...

[that's also something that happens.]

[perhaps makoto does speak in a language encrypted for the likes of haru, but his devotion speaks rin's name strongly. if rin expects makoto to show off or pride himself in helping out and doing things, it's going to be a very cold day in hell before it happens.]

[nevertheless, this is one of the reasons why he's dating rin. being with someone who needs the opposite of what makoto is used to giving is good for makoto. he just needs to learn how to properly show it.]

I would like to prepare with you, too. To be honest, I don't really have a partner yet. Though it's fine to share, right? You'll also prepare with Sousuke, after all.

You're just assuming that, oi, I don't want to give that guy any leg up in the competition...

[there remains the question of]

-- Why didn't, you want to? Train with me. Don't tell me it's because of Sousuke, oi, we both know he's a tough guy.

[a vital difference between their friendships with their best friends, maybe; Rin is maybe too willing to let go at times, and Makoto isn't willing enough. Rin doesn't hold Sousuke's hand, though he's getting better at knowing when he should. Haru's still enjoying quite a bit of help from Makoto, in the stasis of Holly Heights]

Oh, that's--

[a little out of left field, for makoto. whereas rin runs on emotion, emotion, emotion, makoto has a harder time putting those on his sleeves, bare, for everyone to see. for all that he empathises with others, it's hard for makoto to actually work with others who are nothing but a show of their emotions. it's not a dislike towards people like that, but years and years building himself from the ground up with haru at his side.]

[the spectrum that makoto is used to delivering to haru is not nearly the amount necessary for someone more open like rin, who burns through overthinking things and growing anxious with convoluted emotions.]

[so, quietly, he replies,] It's not that I don't want to train with you.

[and pauses]

[at an okay response from rin, he begins again, somewhat on the scale of a more normal tone of voice.]

We do many things together already, so it's fine, right? It's good for others to benefit from your instruction and guidance, too.

[in the end, makoto is definitely not the selfish kind of guy.]

And it being a competition, I thought you would want everyone to be at the top of their game.

1495 inbox ✘ hollyheights [ CLOSED ]

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